Being your own worst critic

[00:00:00] I am going to take a wild guess here. Well, not really. I'm not guessing because I know this audience way too well. You and so many, including myself at times, are way too hard on ourselves, and it makes sense. It makes sense why you are like this, why I can be like this. When you grow up always having to fight for what you have and you see your parents do the same thing, you get a fire in your belly.

[00:00:31] There is a hunger that grows inside of you. And if you're like me, you start working at 12 years old or sooner. You bust your behind in school, you work your tail off in the professional world, and you grow into this go-getter, and you succeed; it becomes an asset. This need to always be working towards something, to be achieving something, and being hard on yourself, [00:01:00] which pushes you further.

[00:01:02] You've succeeded in many ways because of it. You've succeeded in achieving the objective, traditional goals, right? You're a great student. You graduate from high school, you go to a great college, or you get a solid job with benefits, whatever that traditional success marker is, you achieve those things.

[00:01:21] You work for every single thing you have, and yes, people are there to help and support you, but you do the work, right? We know that no one gets anywhere alone, but you know you've put in the necessary work for those achievements. And you are very good at that. You are good at moving on to the next goal.

[00:01:43] You are very good at moving on to the next thing. You thrive in that space because you get shit done. You get shit done. And when you are a 'get after it' kind of person like that, you tend to have really high standards [00:02:00] of yourself and for yourself. This often means you become your own worst critic. You push yourself a lot, and you often beat yourself up when things don't go the way that you wanted to, that you expected, or that you intended.

[00:02:14] You tend not to look at all you've done and instead focus on what is left to be done. You dismiss what you have and focus instead on what's missing. You almost discount some of your most amazing achievements and accomplishments because you don't think they're a big deal. Not all the time, right? You say to yourself, "Hey, I'm supposed to be doing this. I'm supposed to be doing this well. So what's the big deal? I'm supposed to be doing what's what I expect of myself. So what's the big deal?" Or maybe you tend not to acknowledge the challenges you've overcome and that you've navigated because you may think to yourself, "What's the point in dwelling on things when I've moved [00:03:00] on?"

[00:03:01] And I'd say to you, well, there is a massive difference between dwelling and sulking on the one hand and processing on the other. Processing is inherently action-oriented in some way, and it's a demonstration of compassion to yourself. It gives you space to confront and to understand, and it is rooted in some kind of acceptance of a situation.

[00:03:23] On the other hand, dwelling and sulking is all about being in a state of feeling. It's in the state of the feeling that you don't like, that you're keeping yourself in this emotion that you don't like, and you're sitting there in this emotion or in this state without trying to move through it at all, or you're sitting in the emotion without the intention of actually moving through it. Right? So it's a stagnant place where processing is not. So of course, I wouldn't want you to dwell on [00:04:00] challenges and do nothing, either past or present, but we all need to process what we've been through. You need a process for navigating transitions. You need a process for navigating change that occurs within you and in the outside world.

[00:04:15] And we all should acknowledge all of those things we've been through and managed as we look back on this past year. You need to acknowledge the progress you've made and give it some attention before your mind immediately goes to all of the challenges still present and in front of you. You may also be a person that tends to downplay your accomplishments to others.

[00:04:42] Like you don't share, you don't share what you've done. You don't share the big things or even the little things. You don't share them with anyone. And I know what you're thinking. And because I thought of it too, you're thinking of that whole cultural expectation of humility, you know that you should be [00:05:00] grateful for what you have and don't ask for too much because you're grateful for what you did get, and not.

[00:05:06] You know, to talk about yourself too much because that's not a good look. It looks too boastful, almost sinful, right? Well, you know, I define humility as accepting and leaning into growth and leaning into learning and leaning into knowing and acknowledging or recognizing and knowing in your bones that you will never know everything.

[00:05:28] Your journey is never done. That's the point to me of humility. Is recognizing you're never going to have that all because the journey, the journey is the point, right? And you know this because of the name of the podcast. You know this because of the name of the podcast. Humble Rising is all about giving yourself the space and permission to grow and evolve as you rise.

[00:05:50] To become the person you want to be and live a life with meaning and fulfillment, alignment, and a whole lot of joy and freedom. So [00:06:00] humility doesn't mean we silence ourselves or we keep ourselves quiet about our achievement or our accomplishments, or all the great news, right? That makes us genuinely happy.

[00:06:13] It doesn't mean we silence that part of ourselves, and it doesn't mean that we silence the part of ourselves that wants to share with others. We do share. We're supposed to share. We're supposed to do that. Social connection in that way is such a marker of well-being that we have to be doing those things to feel good.

[00:06:31] My cousin recently, I was talking to my cousin recently, and she had heard that I had got an honorary degree from Boston College last year, meaning I got it last year, but she heard about it recently. And she told me how proud she was of me for getting the degree, and we were in person, so I was talking to her face to face.

[00:06:52] This wasn't over text or phone or FaceTime. And I honestly didn't know what to say when she said she was so proud of me. I almost was like, "What, what, why? [00

:07:00]" And she noticed my non-response. She noticed the look on my face because I can't hide the look on my face. I'm really bad at a poker face. Um, And when I was a lawyer, it would take so much effort and intention for me to have a poker face because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

[00:07:16] So she noticed my non-response, and she said, "You know, even as I'm telling you that it's amazing and how proud of you I am that you got this degree, you literally are looking at me. And acting like it's not a big deal, but it's a really big deal." And I literally didn't say anything. I still had a non-response, and I was like, "Okay, yeah, no, it is a big deal."

[00:07:40] And inside being like, it is literally, I still do this to this day. So like you, I need to remind myself that certain things are pretty freaking awesome, and we should not only acknowledge them, but we should sit with them. Sit with that feeling of like, this feels good. Oh, it shouldn't feel so good, but it feels really good.

[00:07:57] Oh, but it shouldn't feel so good. Yes, it should feel [00:08:00] freaking great. So sit with it, even when it's uncomfortable to, to, to sit with it and share it. Even if you feel like, "Ah, should I share it?" Because literally 10 when I hide something or when I've hidden something from other people and they find out, they're like, "Why wouldn't you tell me?"

[00:08:16] Right? I want to celebrate with you. I want to support you. You earned that. You should be celebrated for that. So, as we head into 2024, I want us to acknowledge all we've navigated and accomplished this past year. So let's celebrate all you did because you deserve to feel great about this past year before you go on to set your 2024 goals.

[00:08:40] I am going to share three questions in this episode that will help you get out of your head and simply give yourself some space, some space to write about all the amazing things you did this year. Now, if you're driving or you're holding laundry or organizing something in your place, you can answer these questions later, meaning you can write them down later.

[00:09:00] I, you can just listen for now, but if you are in a quiet place where you feel like you can write, even if you just have your phone, you want to use your notes app, please feel free to do that. The first question is. What are you most proud of when it comes to 2023? This can be anything from "I'm most proud of the fact that I helped my child navigate a learning difference."

[00:09:27] Or "I'm most proud of the fact that I finally started taking time for myself and I worked out consistently." Maybe it's "I'm most proud of the fact that I made and kept plans with dear friends of mine." Or "I finally took that girlfriend's trip." Or "I finally took my solo trip." Maybe you worked really, really hard for a promotion or an expansion of your role at work, or you left your job for another opportunity that aligned better with your values and your priorities.

[00:09:56] And maybe you've been [00:10:00] super intentional about how you spend your time and how you treat yourself, how you talk to yourself, and you're so damn proud of your own growth and evolution this year. Maybe that's what it is for you. And you know what? There aren't any rules here, right? I'm asking you for one thing you're most proud of to make this simpler and for this to cause as little overwhelm as possible.

[00:10:20] But if you're good and if you're thinking of like, "Oh, I got a lot of things I'm proud of." Amazing, right? All of them down, whether it's five, 10, 15, go have at it, write them down. I know you don't do this often. So write them all down, bask in them, bask in that you deserve it. Now hit pause now on the episode, if you're in a position to write and come back to me when you've finished writing down what you're most proud of.

[00:10:46] So take a pause. And then come back. If you're back, great. The second question, and this could have come up for you when you answered the first question of what you're most proud of from this past year. But the question [00:11:00] is, what did you learn from one challenge or change you've navigated this past year?

[00:11:05] Maybe you've been through a difficult time in a relationship with a parent, a friend, a significant other, a partner, a colleague, and you learned that you can't change someone, but you can change your response to their behavior. Or maybe you learned that You are no longer going to engage in an environment that's toxic, or you are no longer going to have friends that don't lift you up and support you, or you're no longer going to subject yourself to certain behaviors that aren't aligned with your values and how you deserve to be treated, right?

[00:11:39] Maybe you've had a rough time taking care of yourself, and you've learned that even 10 minutes a day can make a difference for you. And that the all-or-nothing mindset isn't going to help you get to where you want to go. Or maybe you've been through a job transition or you've been reevaluating your priorities and that has resulted in some kind [00:12:00] of change for you that shifted your life in ways you hadn't experienced before.

[00:12:05] And from that, maybe you've learned so much, so, so much about your capabilities and your resourcefulness and your ability to approach and move towards fear and being okay with uncertainty because you know your worst-case scenarios aren't coming true. Right? Again, if you're in a place that you can write and it's safe to do so again, don't be driving in, don't be doing this in the car.

[00:12:29] Like just get to a place where you can be quiet, calm, and centered and write down the answer to this question. What did you learn from one challenge or change you navigated? This past year. I'm going to give you a moment here. So pause this podcast as you write down your answer and then come back to listen for the third question.

[00:12:53] If you're back, great. And I want to pause for one minute to just share that I'm so glad [00:13:00] that you're giving yourself the space and the time to do this. Seriously. It's hard to do this when we are always on the go. And we're always moving from one thing to the next. We're always, we're on this treadmill all

the time.

[00:13:13] It's important to get the F off. Get the F off the treadmill. And look at the freaking mileage. And look at the time. Look at the incline. Look at all of it. And freaking appreciate that, right? Appreciate that. Okay. Now for the third and final question, what is the one thought or belief or person you're going to leave behind or let go of from 2023?

[00:13:38] This is something could be a thought or belief or a person that will not be helpful to you in 2024. If it's a person, it's typically someone who doesn't support you or lift you up. Or as an energy taker. They are an energy sucker, right? They don't, they don't give you great energy. The [00:14:00] energy is pretty negative and sucks, kind of like sucks the life out of you.

[00:14:03] And if it's a thing like thought belief or something else, the same thing applies. Maybe it's a belief that you don't have time to take care of yourself or that you don't have time and you're going to instead let that go and try to act in direct contradiction to that belief. By blocking 20 minutes for yourself each morning before the kids get out of bed.

[00:14:23] Because you know when they get out of the bed, game over. Or you're blocking some time off before you go to work in the morning, just for you. Okay, the mornings are work for you. Maybe you take a walk for 30 minutes or less at lunchtime. Oh my gosh, you work through lunch. You know what? Block it off. It's a priority for you.

[00:14:40] It's for your well being. Your job is not going to, your job's responsibility is not to care about your well being the way that it is your responsibility. Yes, employers care. You need to care a lot more though. Take that walk for 30 minutes or how about 10 minutes at lunchtime or maybe afternoon so they get in the coffee, go for a walk or maybe it's 15 minutes to journal before bedtime or [00:15:00] 10 minutes to journal before bedtime or my gosh, five minutes to journal before bedtime.

[00:15:04] Try something. Just try something. That will show you that I do have time and space to take care of myself. Whether it's 20 minutes, 30 minutes, I have some time and I can do this. Maybe you're going to leave behind resisting a certain situation and instead you're going to accept it. Meaning you understand and recognize that the situation is what it is.

[00:15:28] You recognize and understand the reality of the situation. And now, from that place, you can decide what you are going to do about it. You are going to decide, from a place of reality, how you want to move on from it and then take action to do that. For me, I'm going to let go of the belief that I have to wait for certain things I need and want at this time in my life.

[00:15:53] Just because I have three children and I have a ton of responsibilities, like many of you, doesn't mean I have to wait for [00:16:00] all the things I've been wanting to do for a long time. And I can choose me, and that's not selfish. It's necessary for me to be true to myself and who I'm meant to be for me to stop waiting to do certain things that I know I'm called to do.

[00:16:14] So what about you? What is one thought or belief or person you're going to leave behind or let go of from 2023? Because you know, it won't be helpful to you in 2024. So go ahead and write your answer down. And as you do that, or you can pause me and come back, these three questions come from a guided exercise that you can download right now.

[00:16:36] So there are more questions, obviously in the exercise, but you can download the exercise right now by scrolling down to the show notes of this episode. You'll want to download it to complete that exercise whenever you like, preferably before you set 2024 goals. It only takes 15 minutes. So not only is this effective, it's freaking fast.

[00:16:58] Just the name of the game, right? Like [00:17:00] effective, efficient, to the point, let's go. I promise you will feel lighter in your spirit when you complete this. You will feel prouder. You will feel the love towards yourself. I freaking promise you that. So before you go create new goals, Which is important. Goals are, goals are a powerful tool for having the life and prayer you want and deserve.

[00:17:23] Yes, you, you need to create goals. But before we do that, we got to acknowledge and celebrate what you've accomplished, what you've done, what you've learned, who you were able to be, and that you're still here moving forward despite all the struggles you've been through. Sometimes you forget that step to recognize all you did and all you've been through.

[00:17:45] You do way more than you give yourself credit for. And this is the time to acknowledge and celebrate all of it. It is the time to celebrate you. So, To the version of you in [00:18:00] 2023 who deserves every single bit of acknowledgement, recognition, and celebration, I say cheers, I say salud, and I will see you, my friends, in 2024.